She Wonders…

The darkness once again envelopes her and she starts to wonder…

She wonders if he notices the sadness in her eyes…

She wonders if he sees the pain in them…

She wonders if he knows about the hurt she carries inside…

And she wonders if he cares…

Every time he ridicules her in public, she wonders if he means it all…

Every time he calls her out in front of an audience, she wonders if he does it on purpose…

Every time he says something hurtful, she wonders if he is aware she’s hurting…

And she wonders when he’ll notice that she is slowly fading away…

And if that’s what he wanted all along…

 

 

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When did it all start?

She has been wondering when it all started.  When did they start taking each other for granted?  When did they start not being each others’ comfort.  When?

She tries to make sense of everything. They were supposed to be partners and yet she often felt that he was her biggest critic. She tries to remember back when she started not confiding in him.  When she no longer saw him as her better half.

When did it all start? How?

When did it start being okay to mock each other in public? When did it start to be okay to not put the other first? Has it always been like this? Were they always like this? How could they have come this far with that knowledge?  Or did they even realize what they were doing?

She remembers one instance in the early days.  They had a fight and he went to a gathering at the park with the very people she didn’t want to spend time with.  Did it start then? How was that okay? Why was that okay with him? She remembers now…that was the first time she felt she wasn’t his priority.

When did it all start?

She remembers another event. She made fun of him in front of her friends.  Why did she think that was okay? Why did she do that?  She can’t remember exactly the details but she knows she did something that shouldn’t have been done.  Why did she?

When did it all start?

When did he start treating her like she was unimportant? When did he start ignoring the pain in her eyes? When did he start not caring?  Has it always been like this?

When did it all start?

They both have faults. She is too sensitive about everything and he is not. She tries to make him listen but he feels like she’s the one who’s not.

Does it even matter when it all started now?

Maybe she should start asking…when will this all end?

 

 

Do You Know

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I ask you about your day but you never ask me about mine.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when you can’t see how tired I am and how much I just need your comfort.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I am never a choice when choices are given.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I need support and you don’t see that I do.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when you talk about me or our problems behind my back with my friends or your friends.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when you mock me in front of everyone else.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when you see me hurting and yet you think and say I deserved it or that I did it to myself.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I need someone to talk to and you dismiss everything I say.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I need you to be on my side and you find a reason to blame me for the situation I’m in.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…when I see our child cling to you and know how much she loves you and to realize that I don’t know if I do anymore.

Do you know how much it hurts…

…that after everything, my heart just wants to give up.

And do you know how much it hurts…

…that you don’t see me drifting away…and for me to realize you are okay with losing me.

 

Joy

She didn’t know what would come next.  She didn’t think it would ever happen.  But one day it did.  And when it did, she wasn’t quite sure what to do.

She was given this gift unexpectedly.  She didn’t think worthy.  But when she least expected it.  There she was.

It happened fast.  It happened slow.  There was no describing the emotions that were awakened within her.  The tiny being was waiting to be held.  And when she did, she became whole.

In the midst of turmoil, she had become her anchor.  Her true North.  She has kept her from despair.  She is her reason.  Her being.  Her very existence.  Her joy.

Better Half

She was heartbroken.  She didn’t know where to go.  She was in limbo, in shock.  Nothing made sense.  One minute she thought she found her forever, the next thing she knew…she was all alone.

It didn’t take too long.  Someone came to put the broken pieces of her life together.  She wasn’t sure.  But she needed him.  She needed to feel needed.  To feel safe.  To feel wanted.  And he was there.

It was a whirlwind.  It was exhilarating.  She felt alive with him.  He made her feel loved again.

No one could stop what was bound to happen.  They proved the doubters wrong.  They stuck it out.  They made it through the storm.

When everything settled, life became a little bit easier.  She thought it would last.  It didn’t.

Reality struck again.  Things started turning sour.  Nothing was what it seemed.  Chaos ensued.  And she had nowhere to run and no one to turn to.

She thought she found her better half.  Her safe haven.  Her knight.  Her comfort.  Her happily ever after.

She was wrong.

And so she is back where she started.  Heartbroken.  In Limbo.  In Shock. Alone.

Closure

Closure

She was in the city, alone.  Watching a street performer do some tricks… her mind was on other things. She was thinking about how her life turned out.  How she felt out of place.  And that she felt all alone.

He saw her.  A smile slowly crept into his face.  And without word, he walked from behind her… to her side and slowly took her hand.  She was taken aback but she recognized the feel of that hand…she would, anywhere.  She slowly looked up to see his face.  She saw him smiling down at her, she smiled back.

He gently tipped his head to the side, smiling, signaling her to come. And she did.

They spent the day talking…and laughing. They did not talk about their lives.  They talked about everything but their lives.  It was like time did not exist.  It was like the time they were apart never happened.  It felt natural. It felt real.

He always had a way of making her feel better without saying much.  She needed that at that moment.  She needed to be comforted.

They walked around the city, marveled at how everything looked the same but not quite.

The day was almost over.  They got to a hilly place to watch the sunset.  They were quietly standing, watching the beautiful golden sun slowly disappear.  He nudged her.  She looked up.  They looked at each other, smiling…not saying a word.

There was a little sadness in both their eyes.  They knew this was it.  This was what they needed…He slowly released her hand.  It was then she realized that he had not let go of it the entire day…and slowly he quietly backed away. They both knew that this was going to be the last time.  She looked away first.  She didn’t want to see him turn his back.  She just wanted to remember that smile.  She watched the sun disappear completely.  Her hand felt empty.  She was okay.  She knew that was what she needed to refocus.  To finally close that chapter…

As he watched her from behind.  He knew.  That was what he needed for so long, too.  To say goodbye. To stop wondering.  Closure.

She smiled at the dark sky…thankful for the darkness that hid the tears streaming down her face.

And they both went back to the life they’ve chosen.  This time, hoping for a fresh beginning.